How to Sabotage Your Email Marketing Campaign in 5 Easy Steps

Success is a double-edged sword. We might have spent our lives working to achieve a certain status that we believe will make us happy, but occasionally we find that once we’ve scaled the accomplishment summit, it just wasn’t what we really wanted. What are we to do then? We begin by unraveling our intricate tapestry of achievement, starting with our fantastically successful email marketing campaign.

Since your brilliantly constructed email campaign probably did contribute the success you now find so loathsome, it makes sense to want to dismantle it. If you’ve become so overwhelmed with customers that you just want to cull the herd a bit for your own peace of mind, then the following email marketing strategies will help you thin out your consumer base in no time.

1.  Make the purpose of your communications unclear.

Be sure your emails have no calls-to-action, no decipherable purpose and offer no real benefit to the customer at all. When you send out emails just to remind your customers that you still exist, eventually your customers will be satisfied that, yes, you weren’t imaginary and they therefore won’t really require further proof – so they’ll just ignore you. Good work!

2.  Keep your subscriber list thoroughly disorganized.

Don’t bother with customization – just send out the same emails to whoever’s lying around in your outdated database. Maybe the customer who regularly purchases gluten-free vegan meal replacement shakes will one day want a box of frozen elk burgers. The main thing is not to keep track of those types of details.

3.  Use enormous images that are incapable of loading.

If you really want to get on a customer’s nerves, crowd your email message with tons of images that won’t load, because no one really values their time anymore. Oh, also make sure the written content is embedded within the images, so that the message itself remains a complete mystery.

4.  Don’t bother with responsive design of any kind.

Most people open their emails on their phones or tablets; why not make certain that your email layout is thoroughly inappropriate for small screens? Make sure that they have to scroll wildly to the left or right just to get the vaguest hint of context, too. Everyone loves this kind of thing.

5.  End all testing immediately.

Just slap together your emails without the faintest hint of proofreading, link checking or market research, and just send them. Crowd your subject lines with mis-coded symbology, so that instead of sending a message with a charming heart shape, you send a rather dystopian “Valentine’s Day&;#9829;Greetings!”  Include the recipient’s full name and middle initial in the subject line, just for good measure.

These are only a few of the many options available to you when you’re on a mission to destroy your subscriber list. We didn’t even discuss the possibilities that accompany constant, daily emails or overuse of punctuation, but the above tips are pretty potent, and will surely get you on the road to obscurity in no time.

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